The List That Completes You

I’ve seen a trend on the internet lately, a series of how-to lists on being single/snagging a for-life mate/not being a bitter whore. But I’ve found these lists pretty dissatisfying. And I’m just speculating it’s because most of them are written by married men, but who knows, it could just be because these authors are boring people (read: I am a bitter whore). So I thought, being a person well-acquainted with singleness I might try my hand on how to be single and not have non-single people hate you. So here it is, my list for

Being Single and Not Hated (as much) by All of the Non-Singles

  1. Learn how to make a really good sandwich. Almost everyone loves a really good sandwich. Maybe making a really good sandwich will help you nab a for-life mate. Or maybe it will just make the non-singles recognize you have something valuable to offer society after all. At the very least you will be less hungry.
  2. Find something new to obsess over every month/week/however often you feel like it. The point here is to keep people distracted with your new hobby so they will forget you are single. (Mostly they will think you aren’t noticing either.) Try knitting that Katniss sweater cowl thing, learn to code, buy some barefoot running shoes. My friends love when I send them nineteen texts in a row about HOW EXCITED I AM ABOUT MY NEW BANJO/NIKE FREE RUNNERS/INSULATED LUNCH BOX.
  3. Learn to play a mean game of chess. Just seems like a good skill to have.
  4. Dye your hair a fun color. The non-singles have to run that shit by people who are suppose to be attracted to them. You don’t. When people ask why you’re single just give the sideways emoticon face and point to your hair.
  5. Babysit. It makes the non-singles less afraid of sharing the world with us. (Side note: KEEP THE BABIES ALIVE. That part is important.)
  6. Write down a list of all the attributes you’re looking for in a for-life mate. Then spin around three times during a full moon, stand on one foot, and wish upon a shooting star.
  7. Become a carny.
  8. Become a priest.
  9. Become a carny priest! (Let’s be friends.)
  10. Don’t forget, everyone is looking for the same thing in a for-life relationship and if you are not in one you are broken and inadequate. Do not ever voice those feelings though, because then you are buh-hi-tuh-her. And bitter people never find for-life love. Only empty one-night-stands and STDs.

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