Hello, operator?

As an active participant in the generation that sincerely has no idea what life would like like without technology (save for watching reruns of The Waltons) I think that there should be some societal guidelines to follow- you know, similar to “Don’t sleep with other people’s spouses” and “Don’t push children into oncoming traffic”- nothing too complex, JUST SOME BASIC RULES TO LIVE BY. Just because these aren’t actual posted signs (though major props to the first person to put up a sign that reads “don’t sleep with my spouse” over their front door) are still expectations of anyone with a conscience.

So I give you, Cell Phone 101:

It is not a walkie talkie. 
So unless you are a five year old (more on that later) or a person so old that the concept of even having a home phone is obscure, hold the phone close to your ear and your mouth simultaneously.

It is not, or should not be, a loud speaker. If I can hear the person on the other line #1 I’m pissed, #2 TURN DOWN THE VOLUME. If turning down the volume is too difficult a task for you please consider what that means about all the technology you shouldn’t be allowed to use, based on the fact that you should be smarter than what you’re working with.

If you are the parent of a child under the age of oh. . .thirteen (to be generous) I have one a question for you: why the HECK does your kid need a cell phone?
They should be learning SOCIAL skills by TALK-ING TO PEO-PLE and if you pull the whole “it’s just for emergencies” crap, what the heck are you letting your kid do that either a) you don’t know where they are or b) they aren’t in the vicinity of an adult? Please, for the sake of one more person who can’t make eye contact or read non-verbal cues, don’t. give. your. kid. a cell phone.

If you are a man and you ask for a woman’s phone number, you are expected to CALL her before you text her. Texting is the modern day equivalent of honking outside someones home. Just because this woman may not live at home with a father, who on her behalf, will come outside and scare you off with a shotgun because only a jackass would honk at or for a woman, does not mean you aren’t a jackass. Call the woman.

If you’re in a public place it is NOT an acceptable time to chose a new ring tone.

Lastly, do not text if you are:
Currently talking with someone face-to-face
At a dinner table
Already ON the phone (yes, I can hear you texting!)

6 thoughts on “Hello, operator?

  1. Yes. Especially the ring tone choosing and walkie-talkie-ing. Someone was yelling at the cell phone held 2 feet away from his face yesterday at the Rocket Bakery. Super annoying.

  2. I think we should add something on there about how if you txt someone just to say what's up and they have a "dumb phone" whose keyboard is smaller than a postage stamp, then don't expect them to carry on a conversation because it takes a toothpic just to hit the proper buttons. (yes, this is my life, and I realize it is mostly my problem, but if someone want to buy me an iphone I will txt all day long)

  3. I love it when I walk into a patient's room and a cell phone goes off but instead of just silencing it they have to answer it to tell whomever that "I can't talk now because the doctor is here" and then they usually go on for another minute or two to clarify that very simple point with the apparently brain dead person on the other end of the conversation. I have to physically resist the urge to choke the person and stomp on that phone!!

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