Love and tofu

I flirted with vegetarianism back in high school, and since I was in high school I thought it was a serious relationship. I mean, we held hands and wrote each other letters CLEARLY WE ARE SOUL MATES. Plus I was angsty and rebellious and needed to set myself apart from my peers, and the innocent little animals! Oh, the animals. . .

But you graduate high school, you meet new people, and next thing you know your eating lamb chops  and THEY’RE DELICIOUS.

Like any comfortable yet non-committal relationship, vegetarianism and I met up again (probably at a party one night with too much alcohol involved- I DON’T REMEMBER) and fooled around a bit. No more beef, or pork, and – because the first question any vegetarian gets asked is “do you eat chicken?”- no chicken. But, because I was young and eager to see what else was out there, I decided that consuming fish was okay. I mean, fish isn’t cheating. Right? Especially if you’re out of state or on vacation.

Well at some point I got bored I think, we had grown apart and I couldn’t remember why we had even started seeing each other in the first place. Plus, bacon is a seductive whore. But we remained close, vegetarianism was still a good friend. You know the kind. With benefits.

It’s been a few years since vegetarianism and I first met, and I’ve learned a lot – frequented the PETA website, watched countless movies and read books about the scandal and disgust of slaughter houses and meat packing plants (seriously- stop. eating. hamburger.), needed to vomit once after eating a steak because apparently breaking your vegetarian streak with a slab of beef is like punching yourself in the gut. No seriously- punch yourself in the gut- HARD. Yep, that’s what it feels like to eat a steak after a few years of vegetarianism. Needless to say, our love affair has been through the wringer. But I think I know myself better now, I also know my way around a cook book better. Which is sort of like reading Sex for Dummies a few years into your marriage- “oooooh! So that’s what’s been missing!” Yes, she likes to be touched there, like that. You’d do well to learn it.

Well yesterday I took the plunge. I MADE A COMMITMENT. I became vegan. And you know what I had for lunch today? A head of lettuce. (Granted, it had balsamic vinegar, sun flower seeds, and ground pepper, but meat eaters aren’t listening to that part now are they?). So after all these years of being asked “so. . .what do you eat?” I can finally say what they want to hear. Lettuce. Just. Lettuce. And guess what. I WAS SATISFIED. And I didn’t even fake it.

2 thoughts on “Love and tofu

  1. OH MY GOODNESS I LOVE THIS POST. You are hilarious and obviously you know how I feel about both veganism and sex. So….yes. Basically, I think you are rad in every way.

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