Online dating: a snapshot

So yes, I’ve taken the plunge into online dating. Why? Because it’s just scary enough to give you an adrenaline rush and it’s cheaper than sky diving. And some times you get a free dinner out of it.

I skirted the venture before, but couldn’t quite get momentum and ended up bailing before ever really starting a conversation. Something about dozens and dozens of men spelling out exactly what they want their future wife and children to look, act, and smell like is enough to send me back to real life where I just result to shamelessly flirting with men in line at the grocery store. But this time I decided it was okay if I said “no” to nine out of ten guys- it is, in fact my right to turn down any man who is looking for a young, hot, no-drama woman who takes care of her body and wants to be a working mother of eight.

But saying “no” isn’t really the issue anymore. It’s stopping myself from saying “You’re joking, right? No, seriously. Have the countless hours you’ve spent playing World of Warcraft destroyed all of your brain cells or have you just NEVER MET A WOMAN IN YOUR LIFE?”. I did ask one man if he had ever spoken to a woman before. He stopped talking to me.

Basically this is how my filter works though: if the majority of your photos are of your truck or your dog, you at a club, or you shirtless in front of a mirror, if you’ve listed “texting” and/or “drinking” as one of your hobbies, you send me a message with the word “hottie” in it, or you spell “college” as “collage”- stop right there. Just stop.

Maybe take a couple of minutes to scan my profile. Not just my photos, but the rest of my profile. Notice all of my pretty words that I took the time to spell correctly. Notice my punctuation (ellipses where periods should be DON’T COUNT). Notice my persistent mention of Jesus. Notice that I’m 5’8″. Then ask yourself if we have ANYTHING in common. Like age, or religious preference, or the motivation to shower regularly. Because if we don’t, it’s really difficult for me to just say “no”. I feel like your collage education should have taught you some rules of deduction. Or at least how to greet someone respectfully. I don’t feel the need to let you down easily. I do however, feel the need to crush the fantasies you’ve masturbated to since you were 14 and let you know that you aren’t going to find the Victoria’s Secret model who wants to be the mother of your children online. Or anywhere else. So thanks for the “compliment” but I’d rather grease my ankles than go out with you.

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