Congratulations (you little suckers)!

This year my roommate and her beau got engaged. Being the rustic, anti-suburbia type that they are, they wanted to stick it to the man and not have a “real” wedding. In fact, prior to actual engagement they were pretty set on eloping. A quick shot down to the court house and then back to rock climbing and making their own granola in their Vibram Five Fingers. But the sound of your mom’s voice regarding the blasphemy of blasphemies that you would even consider not having your family present for the most important day of your life and. . .your stuck having a real ceremony.

They were still pretty optimistic about what they could get away with though. No wedding party, no fancy venue, no expensive dress! And lots of alcohol. (Seeing as they’ve both attended bible college, the alcohol is important. People need to know that both Christ and hops will be a vital part of their marriage.) The next logical step was to have a living room wedding. You find your mom’s old wedding dress, have it altered, and then who isn’t charmed by the fact that you got married in someones living room? So perfectly 1970’s anti-big America. Someone light a joint.

This next step should have probably clued them in to the fact that they have really just been pawns in the big scheme of wedding planning. At this point they were just being dragged along until they were so exhausted by all of their non-planning that the actual shift in “barbecue in someones back yard” to “you now have to pick out bridesmaids dresses” was too much for them to fight against. But since having a ceremony in a park isn’t that much different than having a ceremony in a living room, save for the number of people, they we’re still pretty satisfied with their non-wedding. Pssh, you can’t make us put up decorations!

But somewhere between “you’ve invited uncle so-and-so?” and “you didn’t invite your 4th cousin twice removed? He will be offended” the guest list got to the point where not having a wedding party is like saying “No, I don’t need your help lying to myself about the fact that I’m having an actual wedding, I can do it all by myself!”. But the truth is they can no longer lie to themselves about their wedding status. They’re having a real ceremony, in a real park, with a real wedding party. And not just “my sister, your brother” but five on each side. Five. They’re having flower arrangements, and wedding colors, and a rehearsal dinner. At a seafood restaurant. They need that wedding party now because if you’re spending the day with people you didn’t really want to spend the day with, you should at least be able to get a little tipsy with your friends while getting ready.

My heart goes out to my little thinly-veiled-(no pun intended) closeted hippie friends, I would have loved to have not been there for their elopement. But, weddings being resolutely unstoppable what they are, I shall toast to my friends and enjoy all of their alcohol.

And at least at the end of the this, they get to comfort each other with all of the sex gifts.

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