You will be fortuitous in your closet this month

I decided to take a page from B. Jones’ book and prepare entire outfits for each day of my vacation.

Which, on the one hand seems super efficient and thus, something I would totally dig. But on the other hand, my daily attire is typically assembled each morning (read: late afternoon) by playing Yanni’s Greatest Hits, standing in front of my closet, closing my eyes, and listening with my heart to which items are most presently in sync with my aura. So- what if, come any certain vacation day, I go to put on an already prepared outfit and IT TOTALLY CLASHES WITH MY SOUL? I really don’t know how to prepare for that kind of travesty. So I’m going to pack some valium a couple extra outfits and hope that increases my chances of not dying and/or killing someone (I’m pretty sure that’s what would happen if I wear the wrong outfit). Normally I would just read my daily horoscope and look out for advice like “be wary if you are not in tune with your spirit today, you may hurt a loved one” and then I would lock myself indoors and not get dressed. But after the whole OH BY THE WAY, WE’VE BEEN WRONG ABOUT ASTROLOGY FOR THE LAST CENTURY, SO HERE- WE FIXED IT, I don’t know what my sign is any more! Am I a crab now? After I thought I was a lion all these years?! That is a big adjustment people.

So, someone should probably warn my mom that for the next seven days the Lion-Crab Woman is going to be living in her guest room and if she appears to remain naked for any length of time, give her equal amounts of compliments and dark chocolate. Or lock the door and back away slowly.

2 thoughts on “You will be fortuitous in your closet this month

  1. You may be the funniest person I've ever met. For real.(Also…"be wary" not "weary." :)Sorryyyyyyy….Obnoxious grammar person, blah blah blah….)

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