What do venereal disease and the flu vaccine have in common?
You can get both of them at Walmart, most health care facilities, and the back of a touring bus.
So why do I not get a flu shot each year?
BECAUSE IT’S CREEPY.
Okay, that’s not the only reason but I’m not going to get into the medicine of it (if you want to give your kids
autism vaccinations that’s your business) but once you recognize how THEE ENTIRE NATION is trying to get you vaccinated from the flu, you become a little paranoid. Like, when was the last time the entire nation tried to give me a scoop of ice cream? Or when was the last time the entire nation tried to help me get my car tuned up? Hmm? Yeah, that’s because the nation isn’t just this helpful selfless entity trying to keep everyone healthy and happy. But the nation might try to give everyone venereal disease.
And I’ll admit it, I typically get the flu every year. For about a week in February I get sweaty and whiny and I venture to my local grocery store in my pajamas for my annual overdose of Zicam. This is the lot that I’ve accepted in life. One week of the flu in exchange for avoiding the nation’s venereal disease.
But this year, this year, I got duped. Since I do in fact work in a place, the place, that people are going to go if they contract the flu, all employees are strongly encouraged to get the flu shot. And by encouraged I mean harassed. Which is how I ended up getting vaccinated this year. So sure enough February rolled around, I ate my humble pie, and I didn’t get the flu.
Way to go flu shot, right? Like, way to do your job. I guess there is something to be said for not getting the flu as long as I can ignore the imagery of horrible things being injected into my body, right?
Which brings us to June 30th. JUNE. FREAKING. 30TH. As in almost July.
(Please pause and consider all of the wonderful things that you would like to do in July. Such as: enjoy the sun, go swimming, have a picnic, NOT GET ROMANTIC WITH A BOX OF KLEENEX AND A NETI POT.)
Which also brings us to Why. The hell. Do I have the flu. IN JUNE?!
It’s like giving someone venereal disease and then breaking their heart just for kicks. On their birthday.
Next year America, I’ll take the flu. And I hope you get a herpes outbreak.
(P.s. That bit about autism was a joke, please don’t try to beat me up.)