9 Steps for Making Shitty Days Better

  1. Take a bath. It’s good to be naked and warm. It’s reminiscent of being in the womb when life was good and mom took care of you (before she started putting her spit in your hair with her fingers.). If you have leftover pancakes from yesterday morning when life was less shitty, bring those to the bath with you.
  2. Watch a funny movie. Laughing induces happiness and doubles as exercise. Kind of. Right?* Consider watching a movie you’ve laughed about a lot with another person so you can remember you’re not a total loser with no friends.
  3. Drink some coffee. Or some tea. Something warm in a mug that you can keep your hands busy with. So those hands don’t try and kill you. But hold the alcohol. You’re a little too unstable to be hitting the bottle just yet.
  4. Breathe. Remember that breathing is good. Be grateful you don’t have to remember to breathe because upon realizing you overslept by five hours you likely would have forgotten to take your next breath for several minutes. Or just opted to stop taking anymore breaths because seriously FIVE. HOURS.
  5. Avoid looking at your bank statement. You don’t need that shit today. Tomorrow. You’ll look tomorrow.
  6. Find an inspiring internet video you can cry over. Crying is good, it releases toxins. And this way you’ve avoided crying over things that are shitty while still releasing toxins! I call that a win.
  7. Find whoever wrote “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” and hit them in the face. With a large nativity scene character. The world will thank you.
  8. Write some haiku.
  9. I slept in today
    even though I need a job
    Someone tuck me in

    I set eight alarms
    I should get paid for how well
    I sleep through alarms

    Shitty days happen
    I overcome them with old
    pancakes and hot baths

  10. Drink a lot of water. When your pee is clear you may begin consuming alcohol.
  11. *I once had a roommate who said she thought her six pack abs were from laughing so much. Needless to say, I hid her body under the floor boards.

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